On Happiness

What are the prerequisites for a content life? It occurs to me now that no one has ever laid out a path for me which takes me through what it means to be happy. I know what courses I must take to graduate from college, I know the general process of finding a job, and I know what I must do when I am in the workforce, but if you were to ask me today how to make yourself happy, I'd have no idea how to answer. I'll pose more questions here than answers, but perhaps even that will be insightful to some people.

I suppose it's important to first clarify why you're not happy. In my case, it could come down to any number of reasons, from the school I attend, to my lack of deep personal relationships, to the ever-present thought that I may never get to achieve self actualization, and that I may never be able to live my dreams as a writer.

I buy myself cheap laughs from Youtube and Netflix, but those do not content me. Each smile seems a little more forced than the last, and it's getting to the point where I don't even react to most comedy in a healthy manner; I've become desensitized to it. Not because my life is a plethora of giggles, but because I can no longer feel any depth of pleasure from a Youtube video, or a Netflix show, knowing that there is true contentment out there and that I, for the moment, seem unable to grasp it.

Of course, my life isn't a depressing hovel; there are many things for which I'm very thankful. In particular, I've been blessed with a great family, and amazing friends. I've never had to struggle financially, outside of first world problems like upgrading iPhones, and I've never known the gnawing bite of true starvation. I'm healthier than I've ever been, and I am in full control of my faculties, both mental and physical. To most people in the world, changing their conditions to match mine would be all they need for contentment. So then why can I not look in the mirror with a face similar to that of the Buddha, that is to say, with a face of true satisfaction reverberating from my soul?

Is the problem as shallow as, say, financial freedom? Am I unhappy simply because I do not have the ability to live a comfortable life on my own yet? I generally dismiss this point, as there are very few 19 year old who are truly financially free, and the monetary value of goods has little to do with my happiness in general. I'm not going so far as to say I've surpassed the material plane of society, but I do not put as much stock into what I own as other people may.

I suppose contentment could be thought of as a relative matter; one subject to gradation. It's arrogant and pretentious of me to say that I am miserable when I have so much to be thankful for (or perhaps that too is just a fabrication of modern culture; to equate appreciation with happiness), but I know in my heart that I'm not living a truly fulfilling life, and with life being as short as it is, it's important to spend as much time being content as possible.

And now some may say that because America is the "Land of the Free", why don't I just pack my bags and leave college to pursue writing? To me, that path seems a selfish one. My parents and grandparents worked hard for decades so that I might have the opportunity to study in an institution as prestigious as RPI, and to simply throw that all away seems like an insult to my family. But then, does familial loyalty justify a disquieted existence?

I, like many other college students, feel trapped on a ship which is at a crucial crossroads on its path to freedom and contentment. If I turn west, I sail into the mouth of Charybdis, and the guilt of abandoning generations worth of hard labor soon ruins me. Turning east, I face the lair of Scylla, and then the regret of deserting my dreams, coupled with the aching feeling that I may have given up on something truly special, turns me into a crippled scientist unable to ever achieve self actualization. To turn back, or south, is impossible on this journey - the winds of time simply won't allow it.

So it seems to me that I am left no other course but that which leads deeper into this middle ground, where I can feel Scylla's heads gnaw on the left side of my ship, and where I must always turn my ship slightly east, so as to avoid the powerful currents of Charybdis. Both options lead to my demise, and what do I see ahead to the north but gray fog sitting on still water. Soon, there may come a time when I must make a decision towards either of the two dooms, lest I become lost in this mist forever, never reaching my full potential in life.

Another thing seems blindingly clear to me now; that I must face this decision alone, so that the repercussions can't affect any other ships on their own chartered path. If I fail, if my ship ends up marooned on some deserted isle or at the bottom of the ocean, the fate should be only mine to bear.

Before ending this long soliloquy of a post, I'd like to reiterate that I am in no way miserable. I'm simply pondering what journey my life should take from this point on. I'm not depressed, and I'm also not overly ecstatic. I feel the full weight of being a ship's captain for the first time in my life, and these are simply the melancholy colors associated with it. If you happen to feel the same way about your life - that perhaps you're not doing what you love, that you feel trapped in a path that was flawed from the moment you set sail, then please don't hesitate to contact me.

Above all, I do not wish to simply exist in my life; to live simply for the sake of living. I want... no I need to live life to its absolute fullest, to leave an indelible mark on the pages of history so that my ship may sail on after it's captain passes on to his next journey.