On God

This may or may not be extended, revised, or rewritten to encompass any new information which I receive on the subject of a higher power. Just an FYI.

When it comes to faith, mine is far from concrete. There have been times in my life where I have prayed to God (especially during exam season), and there have been times where I thought humans to be childish for inventing such a ridiculous concept. The fact is, I'm pretty confused, yet in that confusion I hope that others may find clarity, or at least the power to question that which they already have faith in. It's my firm belief that a life is well lived only if a person is learning throughout it, and if the questions I pose here are the ticket to that knowledge, then make it so.

I grew up in a Hindu household, in which we often prayed (held Puja) during holidays like Diwali, Holi, Janmashtami, etc. We did not pray daily, and we most certainly did not say "grace" before each meal, or offer a part of said meal to our gods. As my parents will tell you, I all but despised Puja. I couldn't stand the smell of the rose incense we used, I hated the "Tilaks" we had to get (basically a gritty red dye we draw a line with on each other's foreheads), and I didn't like the fact that it generally delayed my dinner time by about half an hour.

That may sound selfish... because it is, but c'mon, I was a kid. At any rate, my feelings towards the gods in those days were generally unfavorable, a simple psychological byproduct of the Pujas. It came to the point that sometimes I would sit them out, or leave early if I was smited by a Tilak, much to the chagrin of my parents.

I'm by no means justifying my behavior, as it was rude and immature to say the least, but that story may provide a decent background for the religious renaissance I went through in my mid teens. I read a couple books which truly opened my eyes to the many aspects of religion. Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn, was the first book, and I highly recommend it to anyone in search of their own enlightenment. I won't give a full synopsis of it, but suffice to say it shook the foundations of religion by introducing such elements as sustainability and environmental ethics.

The second book is far more aloof, and I'll warn you now that it most definitely isn't for everyone, but The Blood Gospel, by James Rollins and Rebecca Cantrell, brought me to a much more Christian form of faith through the actions of one specific character. In fact, this book had such a huge impact on me that I spent that summer reading the Old Testament in its entirety. I didn't immediately convert to Christianity, but I did see the power of faith for the first time, and even though it was in a purely fantastical fashion, it still helped me to understand why people become religious in the first place.

So then we come to college, and I underwent yet another change in belief. I wouldn't say I was Christian coming in, but that whole monotheistic absolutist faith was undeniably at the core of who I was. But then, through many debates with my close friends, I came to a middle ground, devoid of the passion which had marked my last few years, and of the spite which defined my religious upbringing.

I determined that, while there may not be a "God" or "gods", per se, the human conscience is so great that it seems almost undeniable that there is some other-worldly experience to be had post mortem. This belief held until quite recently, when I rewatched a YouTube video on the size of objects in the Universe. It humbled me greatly to imagine the sheer size of some of the things with which we coexist. How can we think ourselves so great to deserve an afterlife, when our own planet, our own solar system, even our own galaxy are but dust in the Cosmic Perspective?

So that's where I am now, unsure about an afterlife, unsure even about the presence of a higher power in our current lives. I suppose I could delve deeper into the philosophy of the human psyche, but this has gone on long enough as it is. I don't know what could persuade me into joining either side of the Atheist/Religious spectrum aside from hard evidence, so I suppose that means I'm spiritual, just not with regards to a God or gods.